


Blowing up a gasket

by Zabzablord



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Genius!Naruto, Godlike!Naruto, Ladiesman!Naruto, Not to be taken seriously at all!, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zabzablord/pseuds/Zabzablord
Summary: A concentrated parody of the worst fanfiction has to offer while taking a few pot-shots at the original. Because why not?If you feel personally targeted, know that I mean the offence.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Blowing up a gasket

**Author's Note:**

> I take no responsibility for the potential brain-damage this one-shot may induce.

Hello dear reader, and welcome. You may call me Narrator for now. Why this strange name? Rest assured, my parents did not hate me or anything. No, this name represents my function. I’m here simply to tell you this story and as such, you don’t really need to know much more, right?

I mean, why would you want to know about me when this story is all about the great, the awesome, the unique Naruto Uzumaki-Senju-Uchiha-Namikaze?

He has probably more surnames than that but listing them all would take too long and would bring us nowhere. Let us plunge right into his life.

Naruto USUN had an unfortunate life. He was hated by his village as if he was the incarnation of some ancient demon. Every day, he would be insulted, spat on, beaten by mobs of angry, faceless civilians indulging into their secret fetish of child abuse.

But it was alright for Naruto. Naruto was somehow a gift from Kami sent to earth and he understood why the civilians acted so. Despite his young age, Naruto knew full well he was a jinchuriki; the living prison of an ancient demon. To be exact, the young blond, blue-eyed boy was host to the Kyuubi, the feared Nine-Tails, who had rampaged in the middle of the village of Konohagakure twelve years ago, killing countless (?) people. Not exactly the incarnation of a demon but close enough for a bunch of unexplainably cowardly villagers who could not allow themselves to move on from their loss, did not care one bit about the dying wish of their favourite Hokahe ever and frankly understood nothing to fuuinjutsu.

In their defence, disastrous communication from the PR department from the Hokage Office did not help one bit. The overall apparent laissez-faire policy from the Sandaime Hokage himself, the leader of the village, a sage many called The Professor for his vast knowledge, did not either.

So Naruto was abused and had suffered so since his earliest days. How he had not turned into some retarded, hollow shell of a child was a medical mystery but you can’t have your main character clinically retarded right? A little will have to do for the sake of humour and because this is originally a shonen manga. You cannot show the real consequences of long term abuse on a child. This is rated T for Pete’s sake!

But we are getting off tracks.

So Naruto was abused, both mentally and physically, by the civilians and by the shinobi. I say it for the third time in the span of five paragraphs so you understand how terrible his life is. I could describe an overly graphic scene of a mindless mob wailing on him with bats (because baseball is a thing in the Narutoverse), pitchforks (because in a town the size of Konoha, the peasants definitely are allowed to bring pitchforks inside the walls) or even axes (what the hell are the chunin guarding the gate doing?) but you'll easily find such a scene elsewhere.

So, as I was saying, civilians and shinobi hated him. Now that was interesting because while civilians were called so because of their lack of knowledge regarding ninjutsu, the shinobi were well versed into this very art; the art of using chakra to do all sorts of things.

Of course, no one stopped for a second to ask themselves if beating on the prison holding off their worst nightmare was not a risk to open said prison.

You can’t expect fourth zone characters to think for themselves anyway, it’s incompatible with the tro… The cli… How the story needs to go. Yes. Seriously, read the first chapter of the manga again. It's already retarded and some people find a way to crank it up to eleven. All those people are absolutely not function-characters who exist only to make the main character miserable for no other reason than to give him an overly shitty and tragic backstory.

Anyway.

What was probably the best part was that the Hokage, who knew everything that was happening thanks to his Scrying Ball Jutsu, allowed it. Because paying for Naruto’s miserable flat and offering the blond a bowl of ramen once in a while was totally sufficient. Of course, the Hokage is loved by Naruto for those little comforts.

The blond also knew that the two years he had spent living in the streets, surviving on his own between the age of five to seven, could have been avoided if the Hokage had taken thirty seconds off his schedule to check on him with his Seer Crystal. Of course, the old man was always way too busy with paperwork, the shinobi council, and the civilian council.

A kid alone in the streets should have alerted pretty much anyone with two Ryo of common sense, as orphaned children were never left to fend for themselves in Konoha -proof of that was the sheer number of orphanages and the existence of monthly stipends- but it was that kid after all. No one cared about that kid.

Even if that kid contained a chakra beast, could have potentially been abducted by anyone, turned into a weapon of mass destruction, and sicked on Konoha. Nah, how could it happen? This fic is rated T after all.

The elite of the village, the respected ANBUs, were evidently not available to watch over the living weapon of mass destruction. Too much mercenary business to take care of and not enough time to ensure the security of both the jinchuriki and the mindless citizens. And the very few who ever watched over Naruto actually took pleasure in the blond’s torture because they, too, could not tell the difference between the scroll and the kunai, despite using storage tag every day.

But all that was okay for Naruto, who did not even entertain the thought of razing the place to the ground. Absolutely not, not even a little. What incredible force of will this little boy had!

And Kami knew that could Naruto have done so! He could have reduced Konoha to fine dust, obliterated it into hydrogen, sent it to oblivion. At the age of twelve, he was undoubtedly the most powerful shinobi in existence. Not in Konoha but in the world indeed, for Naruto USUN possessed the legendary Sharingan, Byakugan, the Mokuton, and of course, the thrice mythical Rinnegan. How could a human with only two eyes possess three different genetical Doujutsu? Easily enough, as Naruto had in fact a third in the middle of his forehead. Freakish and awesome, he was Naruto USUN, the boy with two thousand techniques!

Evidently, all those capacities were kept a secret by Naruto. How could a twelve-years-old deceive an entire village of trained spies, thieves, and assassins? He was that awesome.

All those eye techniques had allowed him to meet Kurama, the noble Nine-Tails, who happened to be an enchanting fellow once one got to know him. Against his will, the giant chakra fox had been forced to attack Konoha and regretted it immensely. He had been placed under a genjutsu by an Uchiha and enslaved. How a mass of sentient, ever-moving chakra could be placed under a genjutsu -an illusion that could be broken by moving one’s chakra- was beyond even Kurama but it had happened. The Sharingan was a cosmic hack.

Naruto, thanks to his bright disposition, had quickly befriended Kurama, who had, in turn, revealed that Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage of Konoha lost during the Kyuubi attack, was Naruto’s father.

The man was revered as a hero while his son was reviled and dragged in the mud. And multiple people, the current Hokage first in line, had allowed it to happen while hiding the truth from Naruto. They still all thought the blond did not know.

Even that did not make Naruto want to snap and at least leave the pit of inhumanity that was Konoha. What a saint, truly.

In truth, Naruto did not leave because his dream was to become Hokage. Why? At this point, reasons, but leaving would keep him from achieving that. The author knows better anyway.

And today, Naruto had taken his first big step toward the Hokage Hat. Today, the blond had become a genin. But Naruto did not do things the normal, boring way. The blond kid had one single default and it was his control over his chakra. He had so much that he could not perform one required jutsu adequately -namely, the clone jutsu- and so had failed the graduation examination for the third time in his student career.

The need to maintain his cover over his secret awesomeness had made him score below average on the written test and on the shuriken test. Why hadn’t Naruto adjusted his results slightly to pass despite his inability to do the clone jutsu? Because, that’s why. You should seriously stop questioning the author, he knows better, you know.

So Naruto had failed and had been of course saddened by that fact, until Mizuki, a teacher who had never once in his life helped him, offered him an alternative test to obtain the coveted graduation proof: a shiny metallic headband that made no sense whatsoever for ninjas to wear.

But I’m derailing again. At this point, it is safer intellectually to consider ninja as "those who endure" a.k.a the warriors rather than anything resembling historical ninja.

The supplementary test proposed by Mizuki was about stealing a very secure scroll, called the Forbidden Scroll, from the Hokage’s office and bringing it to Mizuki in a rendezvous place outside of Konoha walls.

Naruto immediately accepted of course because while he was secretly awesome, he was also selectively stupid to an incredible degree. Some readers would pretend it’s only a way for the author to advance the plot and keep it canon because they are too lazy to come up with something remotely original but to these people, I must apologize: my contract, unfortunately, keeps me from supporting or denying this claim.

[“to the batcave” transition jingle]

We find Naruto again, somewhere in the middle of a forest. Unfortunately, dear readers, I cannot describe it to you because the author did not judge it pertinent to write anything about it. Anyway, the blond’s secret awesomeness allowed him to steal the Forbidden Scroll after a very anticlimactic and barely believable brush with the Hokage himself. I refuse to narrate it here because it is frankly humour for five years old children and that’d be embarrassing. Evidently, Naruto did not stop for one second to think about the fact that stealing something called the Forbidden Scroll could be a terrible idea.

After all, if it was in plain view in the Hokage office, then it could not be that valuable, right?

Opening the heavy, tall scroll on the very ground, something that would have made the librarian of my old school faint I tell you, the blond perused its contents.

“Shadow clone jutsu? That sounds boring!” Naruto exclaimed at the sight of the first technique, without reading the description before slapping his forehead. “Dammit, I’m so stupid! Thanks to my secret awesomeness, I know it already! Why didn’t I use it during the exam?”

The blond took approximately five seconds to berate himself lightly before returning his focus to the scroll.

“[T]Ha[L]ck no Jutsu? What in Kami is that? To use this jutsu, you need to possess the Sharingan, the Byakugan, the Rinnegan, and be of Uzumaki descent,” mumbled the boy before his eyes lit up. “Whoa, what an incredible coincidence. I happen to possess all that!”

Yes we know you do, you poor excuse of a mary-sue. You also have the power of friendship! God this is retarded. I can’t believe my impresario forced me to sign this contract.

“Oy, it isn’t my fault the author made me this way you know!” Naruto exclai- wait...

“How are you even talking to me?!”

“I don’t know but I’m a mary-sue, remember?”

“Urrgghhh…”

“Can I learn my jutsu in peace now?”

“Whatever.”

… … I suppose I should narrate again, otherwise, we are nowhere near finishing this pile of… this thing. Thing, definitely. This oh so wonderful thing. So, let’s go.

Five minutes were enough for Naruto USUN to learn his new jutsu. It was just at this moment Iruka Umino appeared, worry etched on his face. What a shocking coincidence. And are we really going to do that?

Yes? Alright.

“Naruto, what are you doing here with this scroll?”

“I’m passing the supplementary test of Mizuki-sensei, Iruka-sensei!”

It was just at this moment Mizuki appeared, malice etched on his face. Did I mention coincidence before?

“Here you are Naruto!” The chunin exclaimed. “Good. You can give me the scroll now.”

“My headband first Mizuki-sensei.”

“Hu hu, your headband second. Gimme the scroll.”

“No.”

“Gimme.”

“No!”

“Gimme!”

Ok no, this exchange never happened, sorry. Here is the real version.

“Here you are Naruto!” The chunin exclaimed. “Good. You can give me the scroll now.”

“Naruto, don’t give Mizuki the scroll! He is a traitor.”

“Really, ‘ttebayo?!?”

See? Selectively stupid. Anyway, a battle ensued but given the author’s poor skill I’m going to spare you that. Just picture a very long battle. Like, a very, very, very long, drawn-out battle that has no deal being that long with a lot of explosion in the style of Michael Bay, with Naruto almost dying, twice, and Iruka too, once. We are chapter one, who would fucking buy the hero dying now of all time? Naruto fled, the Kyuubi’s existence was officially revealed to Naruto but Iruka claimed he loved Naruto and Naruto already knew about it anyway thanks to his secret awesomeness so Naruto did not panic and beat Mizuki.

A battered and bruised Mizuki lay on the ground surrounded by a thousand shadow clones.

“Eh eh, maybe I went too hard.”

“Naruto, come here and close your eyes,” Iruka asks.

Good fucking dammit, now the author is messing up tenses. Narration is always written in the same tense! Present tense or past tense but never both! It's not that friggin' complicated! *Cough* Let’s go again.

“Naruto, come here and close your eyes,” Iruka asked.

Silently, the chunin fastened his own shiny headband around the boy's head. It took a few seconds for Naruto to realize he had finally obtained the object of his desire.

I’m talking about the headband, okay?

“Ye'ra wizard now, Harryto!”

"I'm a what?!"

Sorry. Sorry.

"You are a genin now, Naruto!"

“Whoa, thanks Iruka-sensei.”

In a very powerful emotional scene, and I ask you to believe me on that, Naruto hugged his teacher while crying tears of joy.

The following day, Naruto was put on team number seven, with Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno. And… I… *Sigh* I really don’t want to read that, please.

“It’s in your contract, so you’re going to do it.”

“Hai boss.” *Sigh*

At the announcement, Sakura Haruno jumped out of her seat while pumping her fist, screaming about true love before she sagged with a horrible grimace on her face, screeching about Naruto-baka not being a ninja and not having his place on a team.

Iruka allowed the banshee to scream, hurl insults at a classmate, disturb the class, be overall mean and stupid before Naruto rose from his seat.

“That’s enough Sakura!”

The class and the banshee fell silent. Never had Naruto called Sakura simply Sakura. It was usually “Sakura-chan” or even “Sakura-hime”.

“You dare talk back to me Naruto-baka!” Sakura screeches… - tense, god dammit! Oh, whatever! I don’t even care anymore - raising her fist to pummel the blond boy.

Seeing the slow punch coming a mile away, Naruto catch it thanks to being secretly awesome and hurled Sakura across the room in a display of incredible strength.

“I won’t go any further Sakura because while I’ve been written as selectively stupid, the author decided to bash you and wrote you as completely retarded and I would feel bad hitting you knowing that. Just keep to yourself as much as you possibly can, alright?”

Sakura, fazed by the throw, wanted to screech but can only nod dumbly. Naruto towered above the class and gazed at the assembled genin with fire burning in his eyes.

“Anyone has anything to say to me?”

“Yes, fight me dobe.”

Naruto sighed. He should have saw it coming.

In all honesty, he should have seen it, yes.

Sasuke Uchiha was in front of him, glowering with arrogance, so full of himself he was ready to explode.

“I have no reason to fight you.”

“As my birthright of an Uchiha, I order you to fight me.” He ordered ordered arrogantly.

God, the sentences are slowly starting to not make sense anymore. Sorry, let’s continue.

“I order you to fight me.” The Sasuke said, his voice dripping with arrogance.

“And I refuse, what can you do?”

Sasuke glared arrogantly. “I can force you to fight!”

The Uchiha lunged with arrogance at the blond, hoping to arrogantly catch by surprise, but Naruto simply rose his right hand in front of, palm opened, and spoke calmly and clearly.

“Shinra Tensei.”

Sasuke flew (much less arrogantly, lol) and crashed against the wall, his arrogance wounded. Losing no time, the Uchiha jumped to his feet.

“I order you teach me that technique.” The raven-haired ordered arrogantly.

“No.”

“Naruto!!!” The Uchiha charges, madness in his eyes.

“Sasuke!!!” Naruto charged, fist ready to intercept the Uchiha.

Am I the only one thinking that the whole scene escalated a little bit too quickly? No? Okay.

Suddenly, two hands grabbed the two boys by their shirt.

“Calm down you two.” A lazy voice called.

Shifting their eyes up, the two genin saw a white haired jonin holding them. As they glanced around, they realized the class was empty of everyone but team seven.

Somehow. Right, sorry, no comments.

“Your a bit too excited I see. Meet me in the roof in five minutes.”

God almighty I can’t! I just can’t! Someone, make it stop! “Naruto!”

“Y-Yeah?!”

“Use this jutsu… What was it called again? Hack no Jutsu? Use it please!”

“What? Why?”

“Maybe it’ll help escape this hell I’m in. Please, general Uzumaki, you’re my only hope.”

“I… What? Okay, I did not hear that. But why should I help you?”

“... ‘Cause that’s what you do? You’re a nice boy, remember?”

“Oh yeah right. So what should I do?”

“Well… Just cast the jutsu on me?”

“But I can’t see you, just hear you.”

“Whatever, I’m sure it’ll work.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, yeah, please just do it already.”

“Your call, I’m not responsible if anything happens.”

“I have good insurance coverage, go ahead, please.”

“Fine. Hack no Jutsu!”

… “Is it working?”

“I don’t… Yes! I can feel it! I can feel myself disappearing! The story has ended! Thank you, Naruto! Thank you…”

BONUS CLIP:

Naruto USUN was walking in the street like some sort of warlord and in his wake, women were fainting from the powerful pheromones the thirteen-year-old boy was emitting.

Is he an insect? What the hell is this!?

The ladies, young and old, were positively swooning at the sight of the blond Adonis parading in the street of Konoha.

Wait a sec. I thought people hated Naruto? So what’s this one-eighty about? Also, referencing a Greek god in a fictional world based vaguely on Japan? Way to go, I guess.

The women, whether they be married or still pure, were tearing their clothes apart and grovelling before the incarnation of Appolon, their quim glistening with liquid excitement, their breasts puffed out from desire and their ovaries wrecked by hormones.

Oh. Oh. I get it now. We are in one of those. Oh, Jesus. I don’t even believe in you that much but please, save me from this nightmare.

Naruto simply smiled and a collective orgasm shook the assembled females, civilians and kunoichi all together trembling from the most powerful release any had ever experienced.

“Naruto-shama, take me!” screamed one of the most excited females, her tongue lolling out of her mouth and her pupils shaped into hearts.

Oh, fuck my life. The boy is thirteen. Thirteen! Puberty is currently hitting him full force! Realistically, he is fucking ugly, awkwardly lanky and with a face eaten by acne. And the only smell he is propagating is the one of sweat. This author is a disgrace! Go display your sick fantasies elsewhere, you gross individual!

“Hey! You won’t get paid if you keep at it like this!”

“Oh shut up! I’m not even getting paid anyway, it’s all for the sake of the joke. I refuse to debase myself further. That’s it, that’s that end, that was “Naruto USUN and the invasion of the horny, big anime tiddies”, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoyed it. I certainly did not.”

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are entirely intentional.


End file.
